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Destroy-x-mas Competition Winners
By Destroyx | January 3, 2010
Happy New Years lovelies! I know I was meant to announce the winners of the competition a few days ago, but I needed a bit more time to deliberate over my favorite entries which included gifts like fossilized dinosaur poo, Flash Gordon DVDs, used deodorant sticks, mini tape measures, hand painted underpants and canned bacon.
It would seem some of you were pretty bad children this year, considering I noticed a trend of people receiving coal (which I have only just found out is what you give children that were ‘naughty’ during the year). I have to say I had a really good laugh reading all your tales, so thank you all for the entertainment.
Above: My plush toy family at X-mas with my stash of presents (which was entirely comprised of chocolate and biscuits as we were on a tight budget, but it was fun to have something to unwrap anyway!)
The grand prize winner goes to Lady Ktana for her story below:
Oh dear, I never thought I’d ever tell someone about this. Thank you for making my embarrassment worth something.
Once upon a time I was a very…sheltered…child. My family was always careful of what they spoke of around me. They never swore (even “ass” was frowned upon) and anything sexual was completely out of the question. My Nana (great grandmother) even stopped speaking to me for several weeks when I said “Oh, shit!” after dropping a chair on my foot. They were very serious about having a “clean mouth”. Needless to say I grew up with very, very conservative relatives.
Christmas of my eighteenth year everything was going as usual: We’d gathered at 4pm, eaten at 6 and were gathering to open presents when my family, with perfectly solemn faces, decided to give me “the talk”. Yes. They waited until Christmas to do this, so they could all “be there for me” as they did it. So my Nana, my grandmother, my sickly aunt and my schizophrenic uncle all sat their staring as they told me about STI’S (which were STD’s at the time), pregnancy, parenthood, and (thanks to my Uncle) going to hell for premarital sex. Being 18, and having been with the same guy for over 2 years I was stunned, horrified and completely ashamed. This was until I opened my first present.
Now, my family has an amazing sense of humor. It’s simple. Embarrass Ktana to no end and laugh at her when she thinks everyone is serious being serious.
My Aunt bought me black lace booty shorts.
My Uncle bought me a vibrating tongue ring.
My Grandmother bought me a see through bra and negligee…
Best of all…My Nana bought me a dainty, elegant, purple dildo.After each present they laughed at the look on my face and took pictures. I was blushing for the first gift and looked like a sunburned lobster by the last. They’ve hidden the pictures in a suitcase under my Nana’s bed so I won’t burn them and so when I have kids and they turn 18 they can torment them as well. My new bf has not, and will not be told. Not EVER… Since then my family’s “clean mouth” rule has fallen apart. My Nana even told me to “Get the fuck out of my kitchen”…0_0 I almost had a heart attack.
All my embarrassment hopefully left you laughing…or maybe as shocked as I was…
I will be giving out three smaller consolation prizes to the following two entries:
Entry from Kari:
I probably received my most funny/bizarre Christmas present this year: my boyfriend handed my a black box with a red ribbon, with silver medieval styled writing saying ‘The blackest Christmas present for the most brutal of all girlfriends’. When I opened it, all it contained was the glittery and bloody red word ‘NOTHING’. I can’t remember the last time I was so pleasantly surprised oddly enough… A few pictures here & here.
Entry from Nicole:
My friend Natasha embraces all things sex-related, and is unapologetic and unashamed to do so. She doesn’t impose her galavanting ways upon anyone, but be prepared to endure the topic if you have the audacity to initiate a conversation with her. She’s very sweet and charming, so most people don’t mind…surprisingly.
Anyway, Natasha spent Christmas of 2007 with my family and me. After all the wrapped gifts had been presented and opened, Natasha gently grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. She whispered that she had made me a present. Upon returning to my room, she grabs her overnight bag, retrieves an elliptical-shaped gift, and places it on my bed.
As soon as I began to unwrap the present, it starting vibrating! We both laughed hysterically. When the final shreds of paper had been torn away, a plush, vibrating vagina was revealed. She even sewed on black felt for the pubic hair! “Flip it over!” she told me, grinning like a cheshire cat. On the back of the toy, I found a zipper. I opened it and pulled out a red and green, vibrating dildo she had stuffed inside of her homemade snatch. HA HA!!! Nobody but Natasha and I know about it. I have it tucked away in a drawer, under lock and key. I love it and my dear Natasha, but her sex-crazed gift definitely takes the cake as the most peculiar present I’ve ever gotten.
Here are some entries that I also enjoyed.
Entry from Cara:
Well I’m not sure if this counts since it wasn’t my gift but my boyfriend told me a story this year… He has a crazy aunt and one year she got him a stick of deodorant. When he opened it to see what it smelled like, there was a single hair on it. He ended up throwing it in the air and the whole family laughs about it to this day.
Entry from Ashe Mischief:
**Note: this comment is NOT a stab against those who are Christian or those who religious, or intended to offend them. But I classify myself as Agnostic, and my family has been fine with this since I was a very young teenager.
One year, for Christmas, I received what looked like a book from my Grandparents. The side was torn a bit, but I could see gold foil through it. I couldn’t believe it, but my grandparents had sent me, at age 20, a Bible. That wasn’t all! They included, mixed along the pages, two $10 bills to make sure that I opened the Bible (and a 3 page long letter about how I should worship and respect my mother, which I was very good about doing).
Entry from Marcus:
My uncle (67) loves to cut things from wood so this year he decided to give 4 members of our family a “gift” from wood.
My aunt got pair of something you could call Dogs doing babies.
My sister got Turtle with 10cm long penis.
My girlfriend got kind of “Double-Dildo”.
And I got a 1 meter long penis(complete with balls etc.) that looks like totem.My aunt almost got heart-attack from seeing that. Uncle then commented it “Well, take my advice, Yours wont function forever so I gave you a new better one that is always hard”.
So now whenever visitors come to visit me they see that huge penis in living room, funny that none of them asked where i got it…
Entry from Choco:
I have a perfect story. This year, my mom wanted to give me something under the tree to replace my backordered gift that wouldn’t be here until after Christmas. So she picked coal. Literally, a bucket of coal. XD That would’ve been funny enough, but she had to make it a nice bucket. A wrapped bucket, with a bow, filled to the brim with coal. We’re talking $30 bucks and maybe a half hour worth of effort all so she could give me coal for Christmas. I almost died laughing on Christmas morning, everyone was opening their presents and I just sat there with my bucket of coal.
Entry from Charvelle: (This entry reminded me of something eerily similar that happened to Angelspit on tour once!)
This just happened this holiday break. My mom, dad, and I were traveling down to Florida from Ohio, which takes roughly 20 hours to get there. Or at least it SHOULD have. Apparently, several trucks had jackknifed miles ahead of us on a turnpike highway, so everyone, hundreds of cars, were forced to a complete stop. After the first hour or so, I heard the tune of “Silent Night.” Looking behind me, I discovered there were CAROLERS. A group of girls had gotten out of their car, and were walking and singing down the highway. It was all fun and games in the first few hours. Soon, it was very late, and we had turned off out motor to preserve fuel, because god knows how much longer we could be stuck there. I could barely feel my feet and there was nothing to do but sleep, or watch the snow fall outside my small window.
It was snowing nonstop, and disappointingly, we were still in the same godforsaken place as we were the night before. We could hear children crying and screaming, becoming restless. Luckily, my car had food and water, while I’m sure many cars had nothing, and no way to keep themselves warm, lest they run out of fuel.
At this point, I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in about 20 hours. I was quiet about it at first, because I just didn’t want to think about it, and that we could start moving “any minute now.” A couple hours later, I woke up, and I could think of nothing but how much I had to pee. It was painful XD
This next part may be disturbing, but it’s 100% the truth. We had an empty Pringles can, and I had a mission. I promptly forced my dad to take a walk outside; it would have been very awkward otherwise. Since I was desperate enough, I pissed in the freaking can. It’s a bit harder when you’re a girl >__< After my dad came back from the walk, he commented on how many patches of yellow snow he saw.
After 20 HOURS, we were finally moving again. We were glad the turnpike didn’t make us pay (mom: aw hell no, they better not take our money). We waited another 3 hours to get gas from this small, country town that had never seen so many cars or people in once place (or so a local had told me). Thereafter, we were moving out of the congestion, and on our way toward the promise land. I almost went mad in those 20 hours.
Entry from Breana:
I think the weirdest gift I’ve received this Christmas was from my best friend. I’m always complaining about the lack of toilet paper and hand sanitizer in my school toilets. My school toilets are feral so it is always a traumatic experience, you are lucky to find a toilet that hasn’t got piss everywhere, or itching powder, or some other nasty substance. I’m also complaining about not having money for lunch.
My best friend took my complaints to heart and for Christmas I received a toilet paper roll, paper toilet seat covers and a 12 pack of Detol hand sanitizers. And for my not having enough money for lunch? She unwrapped the toilet paper, completely, and at random intervals she taped $100 in small change. It was seriously the most fun I’d ever had unwrapping toilet paper, and it was my favorite present I received. Best friends really know how to brighten your day :)
Topics: Competition, Destroyx.com |
January 3rd, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Yay! As soon as I say Lady Ktana’s story I thought “give her the prize, she wins all.” Seriously.
January 4th, 2010 at 12:58 am
Tiara the Merch Girl- I know! It’s such a great story isn’t it?
January 4th, 2010 at 5:35 am
Haha there’s some awesome stories here - but Lady Ktana’s really does own the rest of them. Happy New Year to you too Destroyx, hope it’s a good one!
January 4th, 2010 at 10:32 am
They all really made me laugh :)
I enjoyed reading all of the entries :D
Lady Ktana’s was just brilliant though!!
xx
January 4th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Lady Ktana’s story cracked me up, she definitely deserves 1st place.
I enjoyed reading all the entries…it made me feel less weird–ha ha. Mine is actually normal compared to some of the other ones, lol.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
LOL, yeah, Lady Ktana’s was one of my favorites. I just love the twist, her family has such a sense of humor.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:20 am
Oh hai!
First, I have to say…I never win things…NEVER!
I’d say this goes to show that this year is going to ROCK!
Second, thank you all for such high appraisal…:D
AND Thank You Miss Amelia! I’ve been listening to Angelspit since I was 16!!! and I’ll love you (and your amazing looks), till my head blows up from to much awesome intake…:D
All my love, to all of you!
Ktana
January 5th, 2010 at 2:38 am
Haha!! Congrats to Lady Ktana ;D
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Kari’s gift…that is copied from the cartoon Metalocalypse. The “blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players” a black gift box containing “NOTHING” is given to the character Murderface. Still, nicely done heheh.